major_clanger

FRIENDLY FORCES: bugshaw, major_clanger

ENEMY FORCES: The Minions of IKEA, the Milton Keynes Nine-Dimensional Roundabout Manifold.

SITUATION: Enhancement of home base command bunker (cover name: 'study') requires acquisition of additional IVAR shelving.

MISSION: Proceed to the new IKEA encampment at Milton Keynes, procure appropriate IVAR items, and exfiltrate.

AFTER-ACTION REPORT: Initial approach to target was compromised when GPS nav/attack system failed to lock on to target coordinates (i.e. the bloody store has its own, new, postcode). However, local friendlies (codename: 'AA') had placed additional signage. During terminal approach, target facility was highly visible owing to (i) vast and immense blueness, and (ii) queue for entry. However, this proved less troublesome than expected as Borg-like IKEAdrones had been deployed on traffic-marshalling duties.

Initial entry and recce successful. MK store layout has clearly evolved from earlier patterns of IKEA strategic defence; clearly, enemy intelligence has identified the factors associated with 'IKEA Rage' and attempted to ameliorate them. In particular, it proved possible to transit the display and warehouse facilities without undertaking the traditional Swedish Death March via every possible department; furthermore, the particularly vicious PsyOp tactic of preventing shoppers from taking trolleys to the car park has evidently been judged cruel and inhuman, and has now been abandoned.

Nonetheless, certain traditional methods of breaking our will remain: a search of the IVAR display area revealed that certain key items have been discontinued, whilst the raid on the warehouse resulted in the unwelcome if not unexpected discovery that other crucial parts were, um, sold out and not due in until next week. Nonetheless, sufficient objectives were achieved to result in an assessment of at least partial mission success.

POST-ATTACK RECCE: Regrettably, the target (or an alternate facility) will have to be revisited in order to acquire the final key objectives (226 cm x 30 cm IVAR supports, 3 off).

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